2023-07-08: Writing update, and other

[aquietjune]

The big news is that I reached the end of my story—the fic I have been writing for exactly a year, that is, has its first draft completed, minus for half a scene and a fictional text I can’t bring myself to finish right now.

160k words.

Instead of celebrating, however, I’m thinking of what is next, even though I know it’d be better to just take a break. The point is, my inertia with regards to the two unfinished scenes (however minor) is somewhat an excuse for not being able to say that I’ve “finished writing my story,” for I am far too conscious about it not being finished at all—not so much for the two scenes themselves but for the number of TKs, comments and highlighted text (“this-needs-attention”) that it contains. Yet again, I know that once I get to the revision phase I will change things, hopefully cut down some parts and most certainly add a few other scenes and texts. Right. Once I get to the revision phase. Which cannot be now, for I need to take a look at the story with fresh eyes.

Can I bring myself not to think of it? For a while? Why is the idea of it being somewhat unfinished getting me so… indecisive? Uncertain?

Ah.

My dilemma also touches on the nature of the break itself. I wonder: having stayed out of touch with the fandom for over a year, now, is this finally the time I dedicate myself to read other people’s stories? Is it too soon? (For now, probably, it is— it’s very difficult for me to accept other versions of certain stories and characters while I’m writing my own version, and clearly that is still haunting me vivaciously.)

Lately I’ve been feeling a certain amount of sadness for not being able to join in, participate, have fun with other people of the shipping fandom I’m writing for. It’s always that way: I feel too old, too “different” (and not in a good way); I feel that I am not welcome. Which is discouraging especially in times like this, with Twitter crumbling down while keeping at being exhausting, pitting fandom people one against another, rewarding loud, cumbersome personalities with very little thought and a huge need for attention. (Yeah, it’s a rant.)

I wish there was another way.

I wish I could avoid interrogating myself about the reception my story can get—being lengthy, weird, unsexy—, for my feelings of self-importance need to be kept at bay, and seriously, sincerely, it would be better if I could just be happy to share my vision with those fans who have sensibilities similar to mine. This is, after all, the point with fandom.

But then, should I really downplay all the work that I’ve put into this project, even when it clearly matters so much to me? Wouldn’t that be unfair to myself?

Yes, well, it would be unfair. I’m rather proud of how far I’ve come with this project, how dedicated I’ve been at researching and writing consistently over the course of a whole year. It’s a great accomplishment and I am happy about it—at least up until I don’t get crushed by self-doubts.

Let’s move on; there’s not so much time for that. Because yep, I have other things to do, not even counting IRL stuff:

• I have another writing project lined up, with work to be done this month for the end of August. (No fandom — not exactly).

• Even so, I also want to join some writing challenge, for something more constrained in length maybe—drabble or flash fic, even a one-time thing—something to entertain me and distract me and keep me in good shape. If you have recommendation please do tell!

• I also have a lot of sewing stuff to do or that I want to do.

• Let’s also see if building a personal website is an option. I still want a presence online, but I need to decide on its form.

All of this: focus on fandom or not? Undecided.

This fall the last episode ever for Attack on Titan will air and only then we’ll start to understand where the fandom is going to go.

In the meantime, there are other things to care about.

Thanks for reading this mainly-a-rant post. I really wanted to write here again, but I needed to get this out first—the rest of the summer starts now, and it’s going to be exciting.

Other media things:

• First season of Oshi no ko (anime): absolutely beautiful. The manga is also very good, although lately I feel a bit torn about some points (and no, mostly pacing and emotional stuff, not the potential for a “forbidden love” to happen — I trust these kind of situations to be handled with a certain degree of awareness and detachment too.
• Loving Yamada-kun at Lv999: did not expect to catch a new anime shojo and to enjoy it that much — to the point of spending a night reading the manga? Incredible.
• Skip to loafer (anime and manga): absolutely beautiful and so great at depicting very normal emotions. Favorite character: Egashira Mika.
• Heavenly delusion (anime): very good, but getting to the end of the first season I already see the crack in its sci-fi construction (no pun intended) and of its mood. I’m not sure I want to switch to the manga.
• I really liked Yellowjackets season 2. The only tv show that I watch with true engagement and whose suspense works on me.
• Currently reading: Companion piece by Ali Smith. Well it’s an Ali Smith book, so that’s always a good thing.

See you in the next update!

Comments

[dewladen]

Big congratulations on finishing your first draft. That is a one chonky project!

We watched a lot of the same anime! Yamada-kun and Skip to Loafer were amazing!!!

[aquietjune]

Thank you so much! Yes, it’s a long fic, and I will also need to cut something down I think.

Yes for Skip to loafer and Yamada-kun! I’m now a manga reader for both 😅 problem is, last season was spectacular and it doesn’t look like this season will be as good (JJK not for me sadly). What will you be watching? For now I’ve just started My happy marriage.

[dewladen]

Is your fic posted somewhere or did you write the entire thing and are editing it before posting somewhere? Just wondering where I can read it if I happened to have some time for it hehe.

I am a manga reader for Skip to Loafer too and I didn't expect to like Yamada-kun this much but the anime really wrapped up nicely! I'll have to start reading it too! I'm a manga reader for My Happy Marriage (sometimes it's posted under the name My Blissful Marriage) but the scanlation team hasn't updated in years so I'm ELATED that this anime is airing so hopefully someone will be interested and pick it up haha. The first episode was so nice!! I'm also interested in Sugar Apple Fairy Tale season 2 but haven't gotten around to it. I haven't seen that many other ones that are to my taste this season either but I'm really looking forward to The Apothecary Diaries, which I think is next season. I think I might pick up some others to multitask/pass the time and maybe hopefully be pleasantly surprised haha.

[aquietjune]

I can’t get myself to post while I write — too many things I decide on only at the end! But for what’s already there, I’m aquietjune. Mostly ship-ful character studies.

I must check out Sugar Apple Fairy Tale, I like the visuals whenever I see it; the Apothecary Diaries I know nothing about (as well) but at least it doesn’t sound like a battle shonen, right (she said, having just begun a reread of D.Gray-Man)? And My Happy Marriage episode 1 was good and I too hope it will get traction (despite it being on Netflix), but for the rest I hope that not having many new anime to watch will mean that I’ll get to finish Monster and continue on something else (Vinland saga, if I find the courage…). We’ll see….